AHHHHHHH! Okay that felt good. You know sometimes its okay to scream. Its okay to feel stress. Its just something that lets you know that your human. Theres so many things running through my head right now. First is my love life. Its completely and totally insane. Okay so theres Roberto who I really like and want to be with and I thought that he wanted to be with me but just as I decide to start to open up to him and let my damn guard down he says that he sees me as a sister. This makes no sense at all. Okay he says that its because of the fact that he feels like my brother because I needed him too much and acted like a little girl. Okay I understand that but it all happened way too quickly. He couldnt have told me that earlier. And Also when you think about it I didnt want to complain about half those things but when he asks me whats wrong and I say I dont want to talk about it, he automatically gets upset that I wont tell him. So was it my complaining or was it him pulling information out of me that makes him think he needs to take care of me. I admit that sometimes I need a little push but come on I can take care of myself. God im starting to think that he was lying and that he didnt really like me and when his lies got too deep he thought up the little sister thing. I mean everything was great. In the beginning he said he liked taking care of me. Dont guys usually take care of their girlfriends? I mean he could have said he didnt like it from the first time I said anything bad to him. I would have stopped or at least i would have tried. But see then he would have called at Bitching because I would habe had to tell him to stop pulling things out of me. Is it so hard to let me deal with things? Its not like he helped either with his bitchy attitude. And then the whole thing where everytime I do something to him he does something to Miguel. Okay thats not cute after a while. Like are you gonna end up gay? wtf man. And the way I see it everything went all down hill after the whole Mariam getting mad thing. Does he still like her? Was I just like a rebound, or a cover up for something? Was I just that girl to mess around with? You do not make out with me be all on me, go all under my shirt and try, unsuccessfully tho, to go in my pants. Was I just there cuz he was horney for a while. Right now theres just a part of me that doesnt feel trusted and feels kinda used. I mean he seems to be hiding alot. He wont even tell me why hes learning to play that song. Actually he told me he was learning Chasing Cars. He didnt even tell me he was learning A Whole New World. Thats the love song from Aladdin. And hes performing it on the 20th. Thats they day hes supposed to be going out with his friend, girls included, is he gonna play it for the girl he really likes. Then theres Miguel. Another reason that, If Roberto really liked me, I didnt get with Roberto. Obviously Roberto was jealous of Miguel. Jealous of me talking to Miguel, and about Miguel. But come on that is my best friend. Sure I did love him in the past. Hell right now I love Miguel more than anyone in my life. Hes the one person I feel has my damn back when everyone else walks away. Hes the only person I truely trust with Everything and I mean Everything. But nobody believes I dont love him that way anymore. I dont! I mean okay I may admit theres a part of me that I think does like him and is secretly trying not to like him. I mean not like its wrong and not like hes gonna see me differently but im just a weirdo. Theres a part of me that doesnt even know if I like him. Could it be that im just really close to me best friend. Sure I like spending time with him and I do a few flirty things here and there but isnt it normal to flirt with guy friends. I mean before I was obsessed with getting with him but now its like I dont even care about that. As long as hes my best friend and hes in my life im happy. That doesnt mean that if he ever did like me I wouldnt go out with him. I mean they do say best friends make the best relationships. But still Im happy with him being my very best friend hes the one person that I need the one person that has seen me at my worst and my best and still stuck by me. Hes the only person im fully real with the only person whos seen me really be who I am. I like them both okay sue me. I finally told the full truth. Now I can stop feeling like everythings on my back. And before this whole Roberto shit Miguel told me I liked them both and that I was afraid that that isnt okay. Well guess what I was afraid but now im not it is okay for me to like both. Im just a teenage girl. Obviously I like Roberto on that level more much more actually. I would love to be with him right now. But I cant ever. I cant change anything about how he feels. But I guess i'll still be here alone. I havent had a real relationship in a while. Im starting to feel lonely. Does anybody understand how this feels? Does anybody understand lonely? And then theres this girl. God I wanna do sick things to that girl. I wanna pin her down and rape the shit out of her. No im not bi but I have fantasies. I became attracted to her. I dont know whats wrong with me. Is that even normal? I mean its not like I like her but I would do something with her. Doesnt that make me sick? Ugh! Sometimes I wanna look at her and say kiss me just to see what she'll do.
Then theres the fact that I really need to have sex. Im not even saying that because im a slut or a whore and I want sex. Im saying it because I need to have sex. I feel secure when im being touched and I feel for that one second that somebody needs me for something. I need to release my stress and tention. I need to have sex for real. I need to actually lose my virginity and have my real first time. I want to experience it. I feel like I would be a lot less stressed and more relaxed if I did. But I know its gonna take a while because it needs to be with someone that I trust with my body. It needs to have trust behind it. Also I need to be touched. I like touch. Touch is relaxing to me. I also need to be kissed. I like being kissed. Sometimes not even on the lips. I like being kissed on the cheek or on the forehead. It makes me feel like the person isnt leaving. Like I can trust them. And plus being kissed relaxes me too. Sometimes I dont even care whos doing it. Be it girl, guy, friend, boyfriend whatever it calms me down.
Then theres the whole schools over thing. God im gonna miss everything and everyone for different reasons. And Im gonna miss them alot. I guess I'll probably miss Elio the most. Only because ever since I can remember hes been there. We've been in the same school for 14 years. Its gonna be so weird not seeing him. I mean im gonna miss everyone else too but ive only been seeing their faces for 4 years. But I know ima miss them all alot regardless. It feels like everyone is leaving me and going off to college and Im staying here. Sure im going to CNR but everyone else is going to be far away from me. Well I mean except Tash, Dylan, and Miguel. But still I dont know how often I'll hang out with Tash and Dylan and Miguel could walk away at any point. I know hes my best friend and he says he'll never leave me and he'll be here forever, and I want to trust that but im so afraid of him leaving me. Miguels the only one I can trust with alot of things hes the only one that can understand me and all the sides of me. I cant lose that. I just feel so alone and empty these days. Obviously at point I plaster on a smile but some people can see straight through it anyway. Its just that maybe its not okay to be sad for a minute.
Then theres my mother. Nothing I do is ever okay with her. I cant do anything right or say anything right. Everything I say or do can and will be held against me. And why the fuck am I still being beat at 17. Im not 4. Beating me isnt gonna help you. It just makes you an abusive parent. All she ever does is hit me or scream for no reason and im tired of it. Im not tired of her and Im done. Screw living for her im living my life and im living it just the way I like it.
Then there Jackie, LeJae, and Jackie LeJae. My three different sides who just cant seem to get along. Jackie is the quiet one. Shes sensible and she thinks about things. Shes also much calmer. She doesnt act on impulse. LeJae is the impulsive one. She doesnt think before she acts. She doesnt care what people think and just does what she wants when she wants. Also shes the one whos heartbroken. She constantly puts up this wall to protect Jackie. And Jackie LeJae is when im at balance. When im completely relaxed. This is the one who has feelings. The one that isnt afraid to just be human. The one that constantly trys to find peace within herself. The one that probably only Miguel and a few others have ever really seen.
So there you go. Theres my ranting and it felt pretty damn good to let out everything. But now I feel like im falling. I feel like im slipping like i've exploded and im gonna hit rock bottom. Somebody save me. Save me from shear insanity. Save me before I lose my mind and its far too late..
